leanneandrews1991's Blog

Totally Depressed

     Wow, I haven't been on here in ages, so busy it's been crazy. So I was lucky enough to enjoy my boyfriend home for almost a month but his gone again on boat :( Here alone with the kids is sort of depressing, so lonely and too much time to think. Sure I have internet and netflix and a phone to contact the outside world but I feel so stuck, so barred in. This just sucks, having to work to live when what's the point if you have to be gone and can't actually live a life with you're family? Horrible mood and def upset and depressed, everything inside me feels so heavy and dark :( And I wanted to grow up fast for this!?

Got to love the Christmas Holidays being alone :/

     So my boyfriend has been gone now for 5 days, feels so much longer than that, more like 2 weeks. It's getting so much closer to Christmas now and all I can think about is him being gone again this year and missing the fun of Christmas morning with the kids and all the family suppers and good times. Regardless of that I appreciate 100% that he isn't lazy and that he is out working on boat so we can keep our children healthy and happy and I can't lie and say I'm not at least a lil spoiled. So I went out this weekend for a few drinks, my conclusion is that those men out there that are normally a bit 'piggish' are so much worst when drunk, how many times do you really have to say "I'm taken" before they give up, I hate forward type people and especially perverted types. I love hanging with the guys because it's true there is less drama, until they keep trying to get you in their beds no matter how many times you say no and that you have a boyfriend, possibly the biggest buzz kill ever! When I go out I'd rather it be with my boyfriend, his so much fun, dancing around and acting silly but he hits on me too which I love because he is my boyfriend so he has a right too, his one of the very few guys I know that stays faithful to his girlfriend and his all mine ! :) Luckily Christmas I am taking the kids and going to my parents but it's still lonely to an extent, being without Jeff always leaves an empty part in me, like something is just missing from inside me, I think that's how I know his the one, the moment we part for him to go out on boat or for me to it feels like someone tore a big piece out from inside me. Just lucky I always have my two babies to remind me of their daddy and give my sooks to when his gone. Now to finish getting ready for Christmas, still so much left to do and so little time it's awful how slow I've been this year getting ready for Christmas. Hopefully I get things done on time, if not it's going to suck. Peace.

Boyfriends that have to go away to work, so hard to deal with.

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How wish to grow up when we're young, what were we thinking?!

     So when you're young all you want to do is grow up so you can do all those "awesome grown up things" when really being a kid is the best part of life. No one tells you that when you grow up there's bills, work, kids, housecleaning, relationship stresses, etc.. I thought I had it rough as a kid haha, Christmas time all I had to do was finish up school and await the gifts. Now with my own two kids I have to buy them, my boyfriend will be gone on boat for the second year in a row and along with that it's the usual monthly bills and daily housecleaning. Being a grown up sucks, sometimes. Yes I can legally go to the bar, for what? To see drunk old men being pervs and people falling over the place saying stupid crap. But than I can go out with friends and not worry about what I'm doing is illegal for my age or anything. I get to enjoy giving my children gifts and am lucky enough my parents still spoil me with gifts and money. I think maybe my point is to be thankful for what I DO have and try and ignore the negatives in every situation, there will always be negatives but someone told me only a few weeks ago if all I look for are the negatives than that is all I will get, so look for the positives. How true eh? Hard to realize that when you are in some situations but it's best to try your hardest to remember to look for the good for the sake of your own sanity. Life sucks but hey I'm not the only one having a scatter tough time and neither are you, people all around the world are and most have it so much worst. So looks like I'm off to find the good in mopping some floors :/ may just be one situation where there is no positive hahaha. Peace. :)

Friends, an essential part of life or waste of time?

     Friends, personally, is a confusing area. First off you make friends, than you have to learn if they are true friends or just someone passing through, than some manage to fool you. Some make you think that you are important to them when really they are never truly there for you like you are to them. But sometimes you can get lucky and find lifelong friends, you may have a scatter disagreement and maybe even stop talking but you always end up friends again. There are many different types too, bingo friends, drinking friends etc but than the ones you truly cherish, that you can sit down with and talk about absolutely anything over a simple cup of coffee, those are the best friends, the true ones. Some friends can be like family to you but it can be hard to let your guard down if you've had bad experiences with "fake friends" before and keeping that guard up can ruin what would be a true friendship, I think the point is, you should give EVERYONE a chance and perhaps some people will surprise you. I absolutely love this blogging haha I keep teaching myself lessons, venting + writing stuff out really does help you understand things fully. Hope your having a awesome day whoever reads this, peace. :)

Physic readings, hard to know if true or fake.

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"Everything get's worst before it gets better" Cliche? Maybe. But true!

     I always hated so much of people handing me quotes whenever I was going through a rough time, I'd just nod my head and give them a fake little smile all the while thinking "are you seriously feeding me this bull right now?" Most quotes though come from people who have experienced different hardships in life, and the one that always sticks out to me is "Everything gets worst before it gets better" because it always proves out to be so true. This past year has been one tough year, fighting addiction, crazy in-laws, child being diagnosed with autism, big relationship problems but as the year gets closer to it's end things are getting so much better, way beyond what I expected. I think the main thing for me is I was always so lost and trying to find myself, who I really was and what my part on this earth was. I'm starting to get those answers and beginning to love myself which makes it so much easier to love everyone else in my life. October was brutal for me, right from patching things back up with my boyfriend, to trouble from his mom and her crazy friend who literally stalked me. But I fought hard, I stood my ground and I managed to hold on through all the hardships and now I can finally see what my future holds and what I need to do to be and stay happy. I guess this is just more of a blog for anyone reading that is losing hope because that is so not hard to do, I lost hope many times but it was my inner strength that kept me holding on and I am so happy that now I did. The world can be cruel and the people in it. I now try and always find the positive therefore I get positive things out of life but when I was only looking at the negative that's all I got out of life, the negative bs. It's hard to change sometimes and figure out exactly what needs to be done to progress in life but in the end we all find our path, but no one has ever said the path was easy to travel on, life will never be easy, it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy. Just be happy regardless of what other's try and do to you, it's your life not everyone else's. Peace. :)

Autism, such a confusing subject.

     So as I stated in my first blog my son was diagnosed with Autism, what a shock and such a hard hit on the heart. I still do not understand it completely, I just know he reminds me so much of myself when I was young minus the slow talking apart, I was a chatterbox whereas he was late learning how to talk. I've read so many different sites about Autism and how to cope with it and that kind of stuff but it never did help, still doesn't. It's one of those things you take like an hour at a time. Most times I understand his behavior, other times things can be a bit more confusing and you really have to analyze why he is doing what his doing. It didn't change my love for him whatsoever, if anything I love him more, if that is possible. The part that made it so hard for me I was 16 when I got pregnant with him and gave birth 2 weeks after my 17th birthday, being so young I kind of blame myself now for his diagnosis even though they tell you in the doctors office it's mainly related to genetics, which me and Jeff can not find any in our family's histories. I quit smoking and ate very well, exercised a little, I felt I done everything right but I still blame myself, I brought this child onto this earth and he has to suffer with Autism. He does talk a little now, behavior is still being worked on and his eating habits are still awful. Coping with that plus relationship issues and the usual life stresses gets to me some days. But I can't help to always worry for him, will he be picked on in school? Will he always be a little slow at learning? Will he be able to handle stressful situations? I stay up every night thinking about my child's future and what if my little girl has it?  She is one year old and they don't usually begin testing til like 15 months around here. All in all most days I can handle, I just worry more about how he feels. Motherly instincts I guess, I'd give anything to protect my kids or make sure they don't get sick. Life is so brutal sometimes and children have such innocence and to see them being tested with blood work and MRI's and crap it is so hard to go through. I just wonder am I the only young mom going through this? Seems every other mom with an Autistic child around here is older and don't care to talk to a younger mom. Well perhaps one day we will figure this Autism out, until than we'll keep doing what we're doing. Peace people. :)

Kids, gotta love em.

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Relationships, they take more than just love.

     So as I have stated before about many troubles in my relationship, same guy for a little over 5 years and two children together, now that is complicated enough in itself. I do not blame everything on him, I take my blame but what confuses me is the better I treat him the worst treatment I get back. I try to do what I can for him but it's never enough, it's never good enough. I do as much as I can of what he asks of me, which most isn't easy considering I'm having some major health issues lately that are draining me completely. I love him so much but how can it ever work if he treats me as though I have no feelings, perhaps this is another example of my past reputation back to haunt me. You know just because someone seems so hard it doesn't mean they aren't a softy on the inside. I guess the best I can do is keep trying this couple counselling we have started but it can be so hard at times when it feels as though I give at least 80% and he only gives 20% and that is only when he is getting his own way. Now I can understand why I avoided guys and relationships before I met Jeff (boyfriend). How things change from the first few months together to having a few years together, and sometimes talking just doesn't help. We can never break up and never have to see each other again, with two kids we are now permanently a part of each other's lives. Hope who ever is reading this is having a little more luck and feeling better than me at this moment. Peace.

Stuck in a old reputation.

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Well, where to begin. Mother of 2, both from the same father who I am still with. A boy and a girl. I've been with their father, Jeff, for a little over 5 years, our first date was just before my 16th birthday. We've had a crazy relationship, currently doing couples counselling. Between not just one crazy in-law but having both doing crazy things and interfering to my drug addiction right to my son being diagnosed with Autism, it's been a crazy 5 years and that stuff, that isn't even half of it. I wouldn't know where to start and there will be no end of course, unless the world ends, which to be honest I'm really hoping it doesn't, I guess I figure what has been a crazy life can only get peaceful and happy from here on out right? Knowing my luck I'll get happy, me and my family will start moving forward and the world will end. Please God if it does DO NOT make it a zombie apocalypse. I tend to be a little paranoid, owell. So there we go, first blog. I won't go into details or give you a story, I'll start that on blog number two. I'll just type anything that comes to mind or bothers me. Hey, it's better to vent here than facebook anyway right? I hope anyone who reads this is having better luck than what I have in the past and that you're happy. :) 

1-8 of 8 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Totally Depressed, posted February 5th, 2013
Got to love the Christmas Holidays being alone :/, posted December 9th, 2012
Boyfriends that have to go away to work, so hard to deal with., posted December 4th, 2012
How wish to grow up when we're young, what were we thinking?!, posted December 3rd, 2012
Friends, an essential part of life or waste of time?, posted December 3rd, 2012
Physic readings, hard to know if true or fake., posted December 2nd, 2012
"Everything get's worst before it gets better" Cliche? Maybe. But true!, posted December 1st, 2012
Autism, such a confusing subject., posted November 29th, 2012
Kids, gotta love em., posted November 28th, 2012
Relationships, they take more than just love., posted November 27th, 2012
Stuck in a old reputation., posted November 27th, 2012
First., posted November 26th, 2012

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